Fruits of Labour
I am back !! I am back on my blog after a long gap. It’s really difficult to ‘invent’ excuses for such long breaks. I would leave it to your imagination.
Initially, when I put the title of this post in the “Next to Come” section of my previous post, I had planned posting some good snaps of the spring blooms in my office campus. However, sometimes things do not work as per ‘plan’. Blog post is still a small thing. What if things do not work out in a similar way in the big picture of life. To some extent, it did happen to me. In searching my life mate. I had to go through the conventional ‘arranged’ marriage method. Quite a long, complicated and frustrating process. I was ‘presented’ to all kinds of people. Even ‘unknown’ people used to come forward with ‘best’ match for me. I used to wonder if telepathy works. Most of the time I never met the prospective groom. Well protected!! Whenever I did a get a rare chance to meet, I found some really strange and unexpected characteristics. Let me deal with just the ABCs
* Attitude: This one was really unexpected. I met one guy who wanted his future wife to be a ‘house wife’ (not home maker). Moreover, when I asked this guy why he wanted to meet me knowing that I am a working woman. He said that all his friends’ wives are educated and working. So, he wanted someone to be in that social circle!! I was perplexed!! So he expected that I will quit my job for his whims!!
It is really not demeaning to be a home maker. In fact, I feel it is one of the very tough jobs. Many times the efforts go unrecognized and job remains the least thanked. You don’t even have a promotion!! Nevertheless, I personally feel it should be left to the choice of the woman to choose her way of life: as a working woman or as a home maker. If you note closely, it is not about a job but it is about the attitude. I have many such incidents to quote about the attitude of literate (Meaning: has many professional degrees but no education) prospective grooms.
* Beliefs: Horoscope plays a huge role in arranged marriage. Many people believe that horoscope match is the most important thing. Though I respect their belief (it is their choice), I feel that a frequency and wavelength match of the future couple is the most important thing.
Another primary belief I have observed is that guys tend to get prepared to marry an ‘unknown’ girl when their mothers like the prospective bride!! I do understand that men really love their mothers. It is called criss-cross inheritance in genetics terminology. Then, is it not important for the couple to understand each other first!! And how about the girl liking your mother!! Please don’t get carried away by those sodium chloride dripping saas bahu serials and think if you mother likes future bride, you can avoid those jhagdas at home. The two women are going to have differences and ego clashes because the fulcrum is the GUY. He is the common element and both try to prove that they love HIM more!!!
* Charming looks: Need a tall, fair girl with long wavy hair and brown eyes. Oh no!! This is not an ad inviting models for a cosmetic product range!! I saw this on a partner preference in one of the matrimonial sites. Are looks so important? They might be important for some but is it the sole distinguishing and deciding factor? I am still wondering.
I can go on and on about the D to Z strange characteristics but that’s not the idea of this post. Am I trying to demean guys and generalise them into the aforementioned categories? Definitely NO!! I have heard really crazy requirements of prospective brides too!! Among men, there are really precious gems, one better than the other. I have really good friends among men! In fact, closer friends than the girl friends I have. I just had to meet all these namoonas before I could find my “gem” (ahem!!). Should I say that HE is my ‘Fruit of Labour’. Maybe, this entire process was to ensure that I understand the true value of my future hubby. I hope, Shan (Shanmugam), my husband, tomorrow morning, does not get up with horns (grown on his head ;) ) after reading all this.
It was not a typical arranged marriage! We first met over a matrimonial site. Could I say it was love at first sight … err … chat. Then over my request and to satisfy my parents and his, he came over to Memory of the Moment: Last year, same day, we got married. Yep!! It is my first Wedding Anniversary!! Next to Come: Flight to
Signing off!! 
19 Comments:
hi vandu,
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY. Really nice to see u blog after a loong time.
Hi dear,
Wish you a very happy aniversary!!
I loved reading your blog reminded me of the good old days:)
This comment has been removed by the author.
vani,
Thanks a lot for the wishes
Abolee,
Thanks for stopping by my blog. Thanks for the wishes too!!
Hi Vandy,
Possibly the first time I am calling u like this ...I really liked ur blog ...may be the same words from my life also..:)) Wish you Happy Anniversary...I missed ur marriage last year..:((
I really agree on the FULCRUM thing.
But then compatibility check for the couple is kashta saadya in arranged marriages, we better forget that b/w Saas Bahu.
any thoughts as I thing this is a very prevalant topic for all prospective grooms
Hey Vandita,
Happy anniversary. I was thinking your anni should be around the corner. Too bad Orkut doesnt remember anniversaries for us !
Now coming back to the blog. For the first time you have given me enuf ammo to counter your claims. In the past, I pretty much agreed with whatever you had said and I was feeling a bit lazy to play devil's advocate.
Lets see...
>>>Nevertheless, I personally feel it should be left to the choice of the woman to choose her way of life: as a working woman or as a home maker
Shouldn't the marriage play any role in this at all? I think any decision should be taken by both. I do not think there is too much of personal choice after marriage.
More importantly, did you happen to ask him why he wanted his future wife to be in the house?
>>>Horoscope plays a huge role in arranged marriage. Many people believe that horoscope match is the most important thing. Though I respect their belief (it is their choice), I feel that a frequency and wavelength match of the future couple is the most important thing
There are several reasons to look for horoscopes. It is believed that horoscope can find out
1. Wavelength and frequency,
2. Control and Controllability.
3. Differences of Opinion
4. Longetivity of the marriage.
5. How supporting the husband and wife will be towards each other.
6. Sex life.
So you see, by interacting with that person (I assume this would be the typical Indian way) you would find out only about 1. where as horoscope is supposed to provide you info on all six. Its far more advanced than your typical chat over the Internet (if you believe in it, that is).
In fact, my personal experience with horoscopes is that they seem to be approximately true (Dunno about 6, I am talking about 1-5 :) ).
Secondly, take a look at the number of matches the matrimonial sites provide. Even if you were to search within your own subcaste, you have to agree that there is considerable number of people.
Going by my requirements (this might be just me), there are well over 200 choices.
It is not practical to chat with everyone of these before finding one person. Horoscopes provide an easy alternatre route, by narrowing your choices to a more tackable number.
With the technology these days, you can check horoscope compatibility yourself. No need to go through ur parents.
Similarly, looks & beauty are dimensions that lets people filter out many to narrow down their choices. Say, you wouldn't have married someone who was 10th std fail, would you? Just as you want your hubby to be at least holding a bachelors degree, there would be some who want their wives to be hot.
AL
Hey Vanditha,
Congratulations on your 1st Anniversary.
Good to see you back!! Have been waiting for a post for quite a long time (you should know about it as I have pestered you for a couple of times over phone ;-) :-D).
First of all, congratulations to you and Shan on your first anniversary. Hope this day brings more of love and laughter your way :).
Next as a person who herself has gone through several of these "Boy-seeing" (:-D) ceremonies, I understand totally where you are coming from.
First the Attitude. One of the first guys I ever saw was stunned by the mere fact that I knew more about F1 racing than him. He knew I was educated, so it was more surprising to me. These days girls are more into things, interested in a wide variety of activities. So, I don't get it.
Secondly, the horoscope. I don't really agree with "nerdy" on this. But I can see where he/she is coming from. After all, Sriram's (my husband) and my horoscopes matched in some 30 gunas or whatever. But take this instance where one particular lady sent my horoscope back just because HER star matched mine. Her logic was that MIL and DIL will fight all the time. This despite the fact that her son was in US!!! So I wonder when they'd actually fight. In the one month vaction that they might spend together?? Very strange!!
Thirdly the looks. I know it counts, but you can't really compare education with looks. As a person who has a bachelors degree, would it be wrong to expect a guy with the same or a higher degree? In my case I wanted a guy with Master's degree because even if I wanted to study further someday, I didn't want the ego hassles of "my wife studied more than me" or whatever. If its "too much" expectation, then thats the way I am and I can't apologize for it. But looks is something different. Everybody wants a good looking spouse, but doesn't mean that that criteria defines the start and end of it all. Good looking doesn't always mean good-hearted you know :-p.
Just one example, especially for "nerdy", before I end the comment (yeah yeah I am ending it). One of my friends saw this guy who said he wanted to marry a girl who looks like Aishwarya Rai. The girl immediately replied back "A girl like Aishwarya Rai will look for a guy like Salman Khan. Why will she look at you?". Lolllllllllls. Try to think from the other side as well. Are you "hot" enough for the person you consider "hot"?? :).
Suman and Archie,
Thanks for the wishes
Satya,
Thats exactly my point, getting a perfect match is very difficult. There are going to be differences and we learn with every new experience. It does not happen just in one meeting known as 'vadhu pareekshe'
AL,
Thanks for the wishes. As per the points, see some replies
1) About deciding on girl's career: I do agree that we need to take decisions together but trying to force decisions before marriage gives doubts about how future decisions would be made. Making a working girl to sit at home is a little crazy decision is my personal feel. There are many women who sacrifice their careers for their children and family. I too would do that given my future conditions. But women have thought process running which will form the input for joint decsions is what I feel
2) As I said, I do not counter horoscope matching. I accepted that as a process of arranged marriage very well. But I just feel that it is not the prime deciding factor.
3) Again same answer as 2. I clearly put it that it might be important for some. I have seen cases where everything like horoscope, education, 'status', (all the arranged marriage ingredients) match .. even frequency match but it doesnt work out just because of looks. This happened on several occassions to a good friend of mine who is quite good looking (really. I am not mentioning this as I am her friend). Anyhow beauty lies in beholders eyes.
Just wanted to add that ultimately unless you live with a person, you will certainly not know how he or she is. So though it might be love at first sight (or first chat) or you might have taken time to get to know a person, you'll truly know how he or she is only after you have lived together. Its kind of a gamble no matter what.
Deepthi,
Thanks for your wishes.
Wow!! That was a stronger counter attack than my own :D
Deeps,
Totally agree with you. Thats why this post has taken one whole year of marriage.
Happy wedding anniversary...
First of all, I apologize to Vandita for nearly vandalizing her scrapbook. But the topic itself is quite interesting and i cannot help myself :).
Ideally, these are better discussed over email. Since I dunno most people here, lets do it the scrapbook way.
Deeps says
>> Thirdly the looks. I know it counts, but you can't really compare education with looks.
Response:
Why not? I attach no more importance to education than to looks. To me, as I mentioned earlier, its just another filter.
If you are looking for compatibility, education is no better measure than looks. After all, most educated women/men can be complete jerks.
Vandita said
>> As I said, I do not counter horoscope matching. I accepted that as a process of arranged marriage very well. But I just feel that it is not the prime deciding factor.
Response:
There are practical issues to have an arranged marriage without having filters (consider the possibility of dating 50 people before narrowing down your choices. Especially since you do not wish to give importance to either looks or horoscope). If you can suggest another method to filter out people easily then I would love to know about it.
Deeps said:
>> But take this instance where one particular lady sent my horoscope back just because HER star matched mine. Her logic was that MIL and DIL will fight all the time. This despite the fact that her son was in US!!! So I wonder when they'd actually fight. In the one month vaction that they might spend together?? Very strange!
Response:
Horoscope is not a science of "What you will be? " but of "What you can be?". It is very important to recognize the difference, otherwise the analysis is quite suspect and leads to disbelief in the whole process itself.
Deeps said:
>> Are you "hot" enough for the person you consider "hot"?? :).
Response:
Why should a guy/girl be hot to expect his/her partner to be hot? My expectations from my partner might be totally different from hers.
For example, I might look for a super-hot-girl while she might be looking for super-smart-rich-guy.
This is what I would call complementing each other :).
Together we would have super-hot-super-smart-rich
kids (or could be the other way :D..But I might be willing to take chances).
Happy Anniversary.
Nice blog.
Marriages are made in heaven - we never know who is in 'our' list till we get into it :).
Nerdy, I don't really want to contradict you on anything because what works for one need not really work for another. Yeah I know educated people can behave like jerks (I have "seen" a couple of guys like that). But what I can't believe is that you consider a good looking uneducated girl equal to a not very good looking educated girl. Well, if you do, then good for you :). And maybe the difference is in a "girl's" point of view to a "guy's" point of view.
As for horoscope, I know people who have had perfect horoscope matching and have had divorces (I actually know 3 instances of it). But still if horoscope is a "filter" option for you, I can't contradict you as I myself have been horoscope matched and its working out great for me :-D. I seriously don't know what to believe when it comes to astrology.
And well, its good that you are thinking about the girl's choice when it comes to super-hotness, just don't be angry if she doesn't chose you on some other "filter" she had in mind. If you are ready to accept that, then you look like some girl's "gem" ;-).
And if you don't agree with me, we'll just have to agree to disagree on this :).
And Vandu, I'm sure you'd be enjoying the fight on your comments section, having fun at our expense :-D.
Harsha and Shyam,
Thanks for the wishes
Nerdy and Deeps,
Interesting debate!! Keep it going
Sorry about the delayed response. Had been in the wild for the last few days and Internet connection was the last thing on my mind :).
Deeps, I guess we both are saying the same thing, but seeing it differently.
A small clarification:
>>But what I can't believe is that you consider a good looking uneducated girl equal to a not very good looking educated girl.
To make my stance clear, I never said anything to that effect about myself. I was just trying to drive home the point.
All I am saying is the following:
Looks, Education and Horoscope are three filters to me. Someone passing through the filter does not automatically qualify to be my wife. It is just the starting point courting not the end.
With Online dating/matrimonial services, it is practically impossible to date every one who sends out a request to you.
Think of my filtering process like the GRE test. If you score 1600, you will not automatically qualify to get into MIT or Stanford. It would just mean that you have passed through their GRE filter. They would still go through a lot of other things before making you an offer.
However, if you score under 700, you are booted out even from the lowest of the univs.
Now consider the other case:
If I reduce the filter to just education, then there are way too many people (I am not saying that everyone of these is dying to meet me but still, the numbers are mind boggling). Whom do I send messages? Everyone?? How do I differentiate between profiles?
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